Goes Whichever Way

In Braavos they have a saying, "Valar Morghulis!" It translates to the Westerosi "All men must die."

I used to not fear death but I feared dying. The way in which I would pass on into the next life or into the void, whichever you believe, is a very scary prospect for me. I do not wish to die suddenly nor do I wish to die a slow and painful death. I pray that I would die peacefully at a right age when I have done all that needed doing, not yet a shadow of a man but not before I passed my prime. This is a new thing for me. Before, I was ready to die at the age of 25.

After college, I had a five-year plan which included me teaching at the university while I study to earn my Master's degree. I only got to fulfill half of that plan. I got to teach at the university but I fell short of earning my Master's. I guess by the end of the 5th year, I should have gone on ahead and sought a different thing to do but I careless with time and had no real plans so I just deluded myself with the idea that I could still fulfill my plans, if only a little later. It never came. Three years later, I found myself without work at the university but I got in another job in some telco.

It was a bad experience. I had planned to fail. With no safety nets, I was thrust into another job, not a bad job but one that I needed more than they needed me. The change in the working environment was not that difficult to getting used to but I got bored so soon.

It appears that working in a company is purely clockwork. Once you got around knowing what needed doing, it was just that day in and day out. It was worse since I got assigned to business support which meant I just prepared reports generated using some parameter change in some existing script or program. It made me very unhappy. I was doing something a lot easier than what I used to ask my students to work on in class.

So I decided to find a different work and another one came up. Some former colleagues in the university where tapped to be part of this US-based, start-up. It was exciting, they say. We're the pioneers of the company. We're setting the pace and are building the company.

I guess, the word 'pioneers' should have tipped me off. The pioneers, well, they did all the hard work for the future generations and we did all the hard work. The first six months passed like years for me. I wanted out after only half a year.

The pay was good though. For the first time, I was able to build up my savings. I actually had money in the bank that did not get drained down to the maintaining balance before every pay day. So I decided to stay. I sold my time and soul for cash. I can never get the former back and I just pray I have enough strength to get the latter back.

Part of me died everyday I went to work but the people are good and I was not about to leave while there were tasks that needed doing. I was still a dutiful man, if barely. I did what was asked and I did it with as much as I could put in it. However, I no longer cared. I just waited for the payday. Sure I got up everyday and did what I needed to do but I no longer put in my heart or what's left of it. I had nothing more to give. I am burning out. I am a dying ember.

I wanted out but I let myself be remain until now because I do not know where to go next. I no longer know what I want to do with my life. All my dreams have faded away. I have allowed myself to die before my prime. I have become a shadow of a man. It does not matter whether I die at any moment. The world will never know, it will not care.

I made wrong turns along the way and somehow decided that I should just let life drag me along instead of trying to find my way again. I guess I died six years ago.

Looking back, I believe I died at just the right time.

I hope one day I get to live again, though.