Not All Grain that Fall and Die Grow and Bear Fruit

Let me put on my faux psychologist hat now and talk about the victim mentality and how I have become a willing slave to my work after being repeatedly raped and abused and cared for in a systematic or to be precise in an organized chaotic matter so that I am left confused and submissive. Every single day, I die a little death and as I put myself to sleep, what remains of me is more of a husk wanting to be used more and more the next day.

To be clear, my work is not willfully doing this to me. Work after all is just work. It's just that it turned out that this work has become for me an abusive monster.

It's not that the work is impossible but it's just the way it's setup. I thought that working from home would give me a lot of free time to work on other interests. Instead, what is supposed to be a simple 9 to 6 job became an unbounded cornucopia of tasks which ate up all my time. The problem was as my workplace is the same as my home, time became a meaningless element. So long as I was online, it appears that I am still duty-bound to work.

I wake up everyday looking forward to the end of the day when I would no longer have to work but then what is the end of the day for me? It appears that the end of the day comes when I am no longer needed or no longer online. It does not happen that often of course as I may be called up to go back to work.

So I just go through the motions of the day looking forward to the time when I can peacefully go offline. When I do, I am plagued by concerns of what was going on and whether I could relax or would I be receiving a call to haul me back to work.

Every activity at home which once provided me with comfort and joy are now tainted with being part of the job. Work never ends while I am at home. Work ends when I am without and that does not happen very often now. By the time I go offline or when weekend comes along, I am just too exhausted by the weight of having to force myself to go through my work.

The pay is good. I cannot complain about that. However, I feel like I am becoming less and less of who and what I want to be. I am becoming a soulless automaton.

I just do not know where to go.